The lady in blue

monica lady in a blue dress

I got myself a new outfit. For what purpose? To take promo photos for my social media singer-songwriter account, and also to be able to write a Monica’s Closet blog post about. Because, even though I’m still making less than a dollar a day off this blog, I haven’t given up on it yet. Or on myself. Of course, spending $300 on an outfit just to write a blog post on a blog where you’re making less than a dollar per day does not make any sense whatsoever. But…

monica lady in blue
Posing in my blue Zoe Arku Designs outfit.

This is a custom made outfit. I commissioned Zoe Arku Designs (instagram) to make this outfit for me. The only thing that matters is that I love it, so I won’t ask you what you think. I’m tired of asking people what they think. They always find a way to make me feel like I’m a pathetic joke.

Would have been nice to get some higher quality photos but my camera decided to not work and the pictures had to be taken with my cell phone by someone who doesn’t really have an eye for photography. And I was out in public so I wasn’t really able to relax. Then there was the wig. It was a nightmare to deal with.

But this is an accomplishment for me, because I went out in public to take my pictures. I still have such a long way to go; but I’ve come very far from where I used to be. I was reading some posts I wrote on another blog years ago, and it reminded me of what I’ve been through in my life. Sometimes I can get hard on myself. As I try to pursue my singing and songwriting interests, I expose myself to the rejection of people not listening to my music, not liking my pictures, not following my accounts. It can make you question yourself and question your worth. For me, it’s tough because I’m trying to find myself after decades of allowing rejection to send me into hiding. So to expose myself to the very thing that caused me to become agoraphobic in the first place is challenging. I often feel like crawling back into my hole. But coming across those blog posts the other day, it reminded me of what I’ve been through in my life and how much I’ve had to overcome. And as painful as this can be, trying to make something of yourself and your life but failing, I have to keep going. It is hard to keep my chin up sometimes. It’s hard to keep on going. It’s hard not to feel like a fool. But I have to fight. I have to fight and I have to measure the value of what I’m doing by the strength it gives me. And after reading those blog posts, being reminded where I was, although this stuff hurts, I can see that I have gained a great deal of strength and self-belief by comparison to the past. I still struggle, but everything I am doing, pointless though it seems, financially unrewarding though it is, it is helping me in ways that are important. And so, I will keep on doing it, and just fight harder not to take the rejection and allow it to undermine my sense of self like it wants to do.

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Singer songwriter Adelamonica AKA Avenue Sixty editor in chief. Writing as Monica for The Monica Archives. Writing has always been one of my passions. In fact, when I was a teenager, I used to tell people they should remember my name, because I was going to become a famous author. I used to live to write and write to live--not in the sense of writing for income but writing to combat depression and to feel a sense of purpose. I've written novels, poems, articles and essays that I tried unsuccessfully to get published over many years starting in my teens. When I discovered blogging several ages ago, I turned to that avenue as a means of doing what I love without having to worry about publishers and their rejection letters. Modeling is also something I have always enjoyed and something I wanted very badly to do as a teenager. So badly that I used to lie and tell people I was a model. I would carry around a large portfolio style photo album and claim it was my modeling portfolio. But, as with my writing, the people with the power to make my modeling dreams come true saw nothing in me that made them stop me in the streets of New York to offer me a modeling contract with their agency. So when I discovered the ability to photograph my own self (before cell phones and selfies) I took up a hobby of pretend modeling at home and that hobby has remained with me throughout my life as a form of self expression and self therapy. I ask that you kindly excuse my lack of worldliness and any instances where I demonstrate lack of tact or lack of knowledge and even lack of basic intelligence in my writing and posing. I'm just here trying to have a little fun doing the things that make me happy. I'm just an average human for whom writing and posing and singing and dancing and the other things I do are ways I express myself and keep myself going on this ever challenging journey of life. I hope you will find something even remotely useful or interesting in the things I share.


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