Selfie therapy Wednesday – oversized white shirt

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Me in a oversized white shirt, trying to look interesting…

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I like taking selfies without makeup on and trying to capture myself in artful ways. It makes me feel like I haven’t completely abandoned my art. What I might have tried to paint once upon a time I now try to capture with my camera.

March has ended. Since several days ago.

Hard to believe it’s April already. Harder to understand why the weather is still winter mode where I live. We had snow a few days ago and they expect snow again on Friday and again on Sunday. It’s 34 degrees as I write.

What’s up folks? Did I already mention that I released a second single from my album? If I did already, I hope you’ll forgive me for mentioning it again, but you know how it is? When you’re an independent artist, you have to kind of plug your stuff at every chance otherwise it gets no traction. In my case, even when you plug it gets no traction. Y’all just laugh and laugh and laugh at me. But don’t feel too bad. Some of my own flesh and blood are laughing at me too. But guess what? It’s not going to stop me from doing what I need to do. And I hope those of you reading who are faced with a similar challenge will have the courage to keep going after your goals and dreams no matter how much rejection you face.

Well, my post is titled ‘Selfie therapy Wednesday – oversized white shirt’. I did not actually take the selfies today. I took them last Saturday. Or maybe it was last Friday. I can’t quite recall. I just threw on one of my hubby’s white shirts, fashioned a head scarf out of a white t-shirt and spent a few hours taking pictures of myself.

adelamonica winning when you suck at everything
Trying to get artsy with no makeup selfies in my livingroom

I have battled depression for most of my life, and while it might be hard to imagine how, taking pictures of myself has been a therapeutic activity for me. I’ve been doing it before the selfie era–before there were cellphones. It helped me in my battle against low self esteem. It helped me to learn to see myself through my own eyes. This was very important because I hated the sight of myself so much that I would tear myself out of family photographs and refuse to be photographed on account of believing that I was ugly based on how I looked in pictures. I didn’t understand that my self-consciousness made me unable to relax when being photographed. I didn’t understand that because I was so self-conscious my face and body tensed up whenever my picture was being taken. I became anxious and awkward and so my pictures showed me in a light that reflected how I was feeling inside at the time that the picture was taken. My facial expression and my pose were a reflection of my shyness and my discomfort with being photographed. When I take pictures of myself I have no reason to be self conscious. I can relax and pose and make a million faces. And I have discovered things about myself this way. I have learned about my personality through taking pictures of myself, because it’s only when I am alone with myself and my camera that I am able to be authentic. Any time I have tried to be myself around other people, they have made me feel self-conscious and ashamed in some way or another. So I value my times with my camera. Because I get to remove the masks that I wear in the roles that I play when other people’s eyes are observing me. I am completely uninhibited and I can be myself without concern or regard for people’s expectations. I know it looks like vanity from the outside, but it really is therapy.

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Selfies in my living room March 30 2017

Going back to what I was saying above about continuing to go after your goals, I’ve faced only ridicule for the most part since releasing my second single. And my first single has so far earned me $1.30. Last week I submitted my song on a website where music bloggers can review your work if they like it. The bloggers I contacted declined interest, and for a minute there I was starting to feel like I must really suck. But then I pulled back a little bit and had a talk with myself. And I realized that it’s my job protect my psyche. And people’s opinions cannot directly damage my psyche. I first have to take their opinion and process it in my mind, and think about it long enough, then allow a conversation to take place in my head which activates the necessary chemicals inside of me to produce the feelings that damage my psyche. Only I can cause myself to feel pain and hurt and shame and all those self-worth crushing emotions by taking people’s opinions and beating myself down with them.

I have come to understand that if you do the things you do for the benefit to your soul, then you don’t subject yourself to assessment and ability tests. And when you don’t subject your self expression to worth and value assessment, you don’t despair over people not seeing worth and value in you and your work. Because you’re doing what you do just as part of the process of breathing. It’s for the sustaining of your life, and as long as it is sustaining you, it is serving its purpose. It’s only when you begin to want and need others to assess your ability and validate your worthiness, that is when you begin to measure yourself on scales that tell you that you suck and you’re worthless. So do what you want to do, do it for yourself and don’t worry about what the rest of the world thinks.

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Singer songwriter Adelamonica AKA Avenue Sixty editor in chief. Writing as Monica for The Monica Archives. Writing has always been one of my passions. In fact, when I was a teenager, I used to tell people they should remember my name, because I was going to become a famous author. I used to live to write and write to live--not in the sense of writing for income but writing to combat depression and to feel a sense of purpose. I've written novels, poems, articles and essays that I tried unsuccessfully to get published over many years starting in my teens. When I discovered blogging several ages ago, I turned to that avenue as a means of doing what I love without having to worry about publishers and their rejection letters. Modeling is also something I have always enjoyed and something I wanted very badly to do as a teenager. So badly that I used to lie and tell people I was a model. I would carry around a large portfolio style photo album and claim it was my modeling portfolio. But, as with my writing, the people with the power to make my modeling dreams come true saw nothing in me that made them stop me in the streets of New York to offer me a modeling contract with their agency. So when I discovered the ability to photograph my own self (before cell phones and selfies) I took up a hobby of pretend modeling at home and that hobby has remained with me throughout my life as a form of self expression and self therapy. I ask that you kindly excuse my lack of worldliness and any instances where I demonstrate lack of tact or lack of knowledge and even lack of basic intelligence in my writing and posing. I'm just here trying to have a little fun doing the things that make me happy. I'm just an average human for whom writing and posing and singing and dancing and the other things I do are ways I express myself and keep myself going on this ever challenging journey of life. I hope you will find something even remotely useful or interesting in the things I share.


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