I have been spending lot of money for a lot of years trying to make something happen for myself. For the last several years I’ve been spending money trying to turn this fashion blog into an income source. It has really just been an income drain. And lately more so than ever. But I continue to spend money trying to keep it up. And as of January 2017 I have been spending a lot of money on the pursuit of my singing and song-writing passion. It can be very stressful because the amount of money that comes in from all my various projects is not enough to put a dent in the debt that I’m building up. But I’m not ready to quit on this blog and I’m only just beginning in the pursuit of my singing and songwriting goals. The one good thing I can say is that my clothing, jewelry and cosmetics expenses cover both my fashion blogging adventures and my singing and song-writing adventures.
I am so busy lately with the singing and songwriting that I don’t get to update the blog as frequently as I would like. But here are some pictures of some of the fashion related items I have purchased this year.
Here’s the necklace again and a pair of clip on earrings that were also purchased from Amazon. These earrings started falling apart on the first day and the number of times I’ve had to put them back together is ridiculous.
As the year comes near to a close and I am faced with having to increase my debt for non-business purchases of holiday presents for family, I am experiencing some extreme anxiety. Because my expenses this year were higher than in previous years due to my deciding to seriously pursue my singing and songwriting. I won’t discuss the amount of money I am spending to get my songs produced. It’s a lot. The money I am spending to promote myself as a musical artist is a lot more than I was spending on my fashion blogging.
I have to say, keeping up this blog has been very helpful for me in terms of giving me something to do and making me feel like I have a purpose. Although the blog has not been making me any money, I know that my posts are read. They aren’t read by huge numbers of people but they are read. And even though I sometimes feel that I must suck as a blogger since no one bothers to comment on anything I write, I take some comfort in knowing at least one person will read what I write. It helps me to find the will to keep trying. And it’s important for me to keep trying because I don’t know what’s going to happen to me when I give up on myself.
But writing on this blog for years and garnering so little interest from readers leaves me feeling very unfulfilled. Thankfully, I had an epiphany in January. I woke up on account of a horrendous headache and my life changed. I came to a realization and from the morning I woke up with that headache, remembering vividly what I was dreaming, I began on a journey to produce an album and to re-invent myself–to become a singer songwriter.
I don’t regret any of the spending. But I am sort of panicking over the fact that I’m not really making any money to help offset the spending. And now I have to buy gifts for family and that’s going to take me over the limits I was trying to keep to. It’s scary.
Anyhow, I just needed to work out some of my anxieties through my fingers. And I need to get a post in so I thought I would find a way to kill two birds with one stone.
Here are some more pictures of stuff I bought this year as I try to build up my collection of clothing and jewelry and other fashion and beauty related items necessary to give me options for my photo shoots.
I know there are people in my life who think I am being irresponsible in spending money chasing illusions. But I spent my lifetime not believing in myself and now I am trying to make it up to myself for throwing my entire life away because I didn’t believe I deserved anything. And I need to remember that I’m not really spending wildly and frivolously. In fact, I don’t really spend anything on myself that isn’t for the purpose of pursuing my goals. So basically all I’m doing is investing in my business. And my business is myself–the modeling that I do, the singing and songwriting and all aspects of these things. Just like I can’t do these things without equipment such as a camera and a recorder, lights, microphones etc, I can’t do them without a wardrobe. I can’t do them without cosmetics. I can’t even do them without basics that are part of every day care because my body is part of my business. I am myself the business. And that is all I need to remind myself when I feel tempted to think I’m being irresponsible with spending. It’s necessary for the business of me. If I don’t succeed in what I’m trying to do then I’ll have to figure out how to get myself out of my rising debt.